I have been cursed…
Cursed with a flattering bathing suit that does a magnificent job of hiding my flaws. At least I think they hide my flaws. There could be flaws hanging out in the back somewhere that I’m not fully aware of and I’m perfectly okay with that. They can just chill back there along with the blue chinese tattoo of “courage” that is imbedded on the back of my shoulder displaying the angst of a once bored nineteen year old.
When I was in middle school and in the throes of self-doubt I would always ask myself if I would rather think I was hot when I was actually not or if I would rather actually be hot and think I was not. It’s a confusing question I know- it’s actually a really awkward question to word out loud as well. I guess it just illustrates the confusion of adolescence.
Anyway, when I was younger I always decided that I would rather actually be a hottie but think that I was ugly because that would eliminate the embarrassment of what people would actually say behind my back as I flaunted my stuff in my delusional state of mind.
But as I’ve gotten older I’ve come to the conclusion that everyone can just suck it. As long as I think I look good they can smirk at my backside all that they want. They could go ahead and pucker up and give those dimples a little smooch while they’re at it because as far as I’m concerned the only opinion that ultimately matters is my own.
When I first started this blog it wasn’t the opinions of others that prompted me to want to change. It was how I felt about myself. I had crossed some invisible line that said, “Yeah, even you aren’t crazy enough to think this looks good.”
What I was looking for was some sort of balance, some kind of measure of health and even though I haven’t lost all of the weight that I need to lose I feel confident in the fact that I’ve found that.
Now…. the only problem is fighting through that level of complacency that comes with happiness.
Is it possible to be perfectly happy with yourself and still feel compelled to strive for better?
I’m seriously starting to wonder this because the only time I’m actually successful on the scale is when I literally hate myself and would rather crawl out of my skin then stay the same. For the past few weeks I’ve actually had no interest in stepping on the scale, not because I’m afraid of what the scale might say but because I am no longer desperate for change. This is unfortunate because I am a weight loss blogger. I am also in the middle of a weight loss challenge. But this is also great because this is the mentality I’ve been striving for all this time… I just thought I would be twenty pounds lighter when it came.
Why all of a sudden do I feel this way? I have no idea.
Would it do me some good to drop some more weight? Sure.
Do I feel like my happiness depends upon it? Nope.
So how do I push forward beyond good enough and carry forth to great? Beats me!
It’s a battle you know, being this awesome and still striving for improvement. (I’m kidding!) But seriously pushing past that place where you feel comfortable is difficult. When I started this journey it wasn’t only about losing weight. It was about my physical health but in a big sense it was also about my mental health as well and trying to balance everything out. I’ve got the mental part down now I just have to finish what I started on the physical front.
I stepped on the scale today and I weighed in at 184.4 I weigh .2 pounds more than I did last week. A part of me wants to apologize because I feel obligated to fake it in true blogger fashion. But I can’t because in truth I don’t give a crap.
Why don’t I care? Because I have that damn green bathing suit that lifts my boobs just the way I like them and sucks in my tummy just right and hides all of my other unflattering qualities in the back so that I can’t see them. It’s a curse I say!
I was going to go ahead and take my pictures and measurements but my little photographer woke up with a tummy ache and requested to be sent straight back to bed. I started to do my measurements but found no change. So I’m not even going to bother.
Don’t worry, motivation will come in time. At the moment it’s all about doing what makes me happy and last night what made me happy was eating a s’more because I had just gotten done watching The Sandlot.
At the moment, playing outside as much as possible makes me happy. Going on bike rides, swimming for hours and eating strawberries out of my garden with my little one make me happy too.
(The trick is beating the squirrels and rabbits to the ripe fruit.)
So when it’s all said and done things will balance themselves out. The key is to keep doing what feels good while I strive to be healthy. Don’t worry, by next week’s weigh in I will probably be a nut case again. I have another job interview and we’re starting potty training so I may become an alcoholic as well. Then you won’t feel quite as compelled to punch me in the face as I contemplate on how to handle so much happiness.
Have a good weekend everyone! And remember…